Lizards in the Leaves

Rustlings in the green....imagination, art, whimsy

Jan 14, 2008

Letting Go: big things, little things

Mother's Day Geranium, digital photo by Zann Carter, 2008

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your life depends on it; and when the time comes, to let it go.
-- Mary Oliver

I had a secret resolution this year: to blog more and better. And my life became even less accomodating to my being able to keep that! Ah well.

I've been spending time every day at the nursing home since my mother came back from the special geriatric hospital unit. I've been unable to compartmentalize what I am experiencing there, so even when I'm not there, my thoughts swirl around the situation and an inertia sets in. I'm having a difficult time keeping on with my own life. For a week now, I've gotten up and my morning is spent getting ready to go to the nursing home, and my evening is spent recovering, usually by falling asleep. Then I awaken at midnight and spend a few hours awake, trying to knit or read or write, until I sleep again for a few hours. Then it begins all over.

I realize it can't continue like this--that however much I love my mother and have responsibilities toward her care, I must find some balance. I must find a way to care for myself and enjoy the amazing bounty of blessings that I do have while honoring the responsibility for Mom.

So that's what I'm mulling over this morning: the letting-go that seems to be what our lives consist of. And when one lets go of one thing, one must be grasping another thing....

Today I'm trying to let go of the fear and depression I carry from the nursing home. I will try to bring peace and calm to my mother and when I walk out the door after our good-byes, I will walk back into my life, to nourish and fortify myself.

I'm having lunch with my daughter-in-law today. I'm going to the post office to catch up on some overdue mailing, including a scrumble for the exchange I'm in. I'm going to work on the Celebration of Life workshop pins. And I'm blogging with a delicious cup of Vanilla Caramel tea at hand!!
On the lighter side of letting go, I'm ready to let these socks go:
These are mosaic socks from Sensational Knitted Socks by Charlene Schurch. I'm using a gorgeous rich orangey-brown hand-dyed sock yarn from Shibui and I was very, very excited about them until I got to the heel.

For one thing I just do not like her heel flaps which have 3 stitches in garter along the sides, and for another, there are significant mistakes (fairly obvious to an experienced sock knitter) in the directions. Luckily I had already downloaded the errata for this book, something that I have started to do whenever I buy a new book! But I swear, even the errata has errata on this one.

I decided to do my own standard heel flap and turn (but only after I'd first done it as directed and so had to rip it), but I can't for the life of me figure out how to complete the sock as pictured - the foot is done in a fair isle stripe. I just LOVE the way this sock looks, and I desperately want the pair as pictured on my feet. But I think I'm going to wind up either doing the foot in one color or turning these into fingerless mitts.
Here is another necklace I made:
I promise I'm going to figure out how to take some detail pictures. I just inherited my son Shaun's digital camera, which is very nifty, about 1/4th the size and weight of my old one and it takes much better pictures. I've just got to embark on that learning curve...

Anyway, this necklace has a little monkey head, a tiny cat head, a bit of coral, a spiral and a lizard charm. And the beads are black seed beads between some amazing vintage glass beads. These tiny ovals are thin glass, swirls of color, each one different from the others. Little works of art that remind me of the infinite variety of patterns on some tiny sea shells I once encountered being used as gravel-type fill on a walkway in Miami.

And I'll end with a picture of our sweet Clover, happily esconced in her new bed, given to her by Tifani:
One more thing: Granddaughter Sophia said something the other day which I have been carrying about in my head, pulling out whenever I want a smile and a warm feeling to rise in my heart.

We were up in my special spiritual room I call the Goddess Room. Sophia and Clover were sitting in the window seat peering out to the street and front yard. Suddenly Sophia turned and hugged Clover and said, "I'm so happy to come to your house today, Clover."



At 1/26/08, 2:29 PM, Blogger Tangled Stitch said...

Your work is extraordinary. Your thoughts right now are universal. If you continue to have problems sleeping go to your doctor and tell him. My dad was in a coma for 8 months about 10 years ago, I was a mess both physically and mentally and it was during that time I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I found during that time that a lack of sleep gives us many physical symptoms that we don't think are related. Best wishes to you and take care of yourself because your mom needs you whether she realizes it or not and you need to take care of her. Blessings and prayers during this very hard time in your life.


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