What Once Was Lost...

...now is found!

Well, not lost exactly, more like forgotten.

I'm speaking of the Clapotis I started last spring. Don't even try to fathom how many projects one has to have before forgetting about a somewhat major endeavor involving a favorite colorway in Noro Silk Garden (#87) and nearly all of one's stitch markers.



It was the desire to start a new shawl and then the missing stitch markers that caused me to vaguely remember Clapotis and to begin looking around for it.

Imagine how delighted I was to discover (in a tote bag I haven't carried about in quite awhile) that the Clapotis was amazingly far along.



Going from the desire to start a shawl, getting out the yarn, pattern and proper needles and then finding the Clapotis 2/3rds done was a bit like discovering elves had come in the night and busied themselves with my knitting.

As for Clapotis, this is my second one, but the first full-sized. You can read about my first smaller one here, in a post in which I explain that I was finally moved to do this pattern when I discovered what 'clapotis' meant.

I am enjoying finishing this one up, just in time for the upcoming shift (hope,hope) to cooler weather. I must say, though, as I have used yarns with a high mohair content for both, the fun of dropping stitches on purpose is somewhat lessened. Each stitch has little hairy fingers which grip the ladder rung above for dear life, and must be tugged at one by one.
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Several people wrote me kind things after my last entry and I want to publicly say how grateful I am for that. I share my experiences with grief and loss, both because it's helpful for me and because I hope to say something that might be helpful to anyone else coping with such pain. I appreciate very much when someone lets me know I have.

The sunrise was beautiful today, I hope yours was/is as well!

Eighteen Months Since....

Graffiti Memorial to Patrick, on the 1-year anniversary (very out-of-the-way railroad overpass pillar)

Today marks eighteen months since we lost our Patrick. I try not to write a lot here about my grief, but I must occasionally. There are still tears every single day. Some days the tears are brief and pass quickly. Other days I still give way to wrenching sobs. I try to just be present with my feelings and allow them to flow through.

Not an hour goes by without a thought of him....but I realized awhile back that I probably have a thought of every one of my children every hour. It's just that a thought of Patrick is accompanied by so much poignancy.

Just a little bit ago, I found myself, every cell of my being it seemed, gripped with a longing to hug him.










So....we go on, cherishing sweet memories, trying to make peace with the awful ones--though even those I do not want to let go. I have to remember everything.

Paul and I light the virtual candles for Patrick every single day and hold him always in the heart of our hearts, surrounded by love and light.

I want to thank all of you for your empathy, the kind thoughts that you send my way.
It means a great deal and it comforts.
Namaste,
Zann

Socks In Progress

A very quick update, a copy of my recent post to the Womens Artistic Soul yahoo group:


I am still knitting socks and not doing much else creatively. I am sure
that there is a reason for that, the sock knitting must be fulfilling needs I
have right now. Perhaps it's need for small, manageable accomplishments, for the
rhythmic working of the needles without having to think very much for great
lengths of time. I am always doing at least two different socks at once, so
that I might be working on the more thought-requiring parts (heel flap, heel
turning, gusset, toe) on one sock, but meditative stockinette on the other. And
of course I also like the change of colorway from one to the other.


The sock knitting also seems to be giving me a better sense of sock structure
and technique. I have knitted quite a few socks, but whole heel/gusset
construction has never made sense to me -- I always have had to work it with a
pattern in front of me and the appearance of the heel/gusset has always seemed to
me like magic. Now that's not unpleasant at all, to have a magical,
wondrous sense after knitting something. But what I find unpleasant is my own fog
about this, about not having any understanding/visualization of the technique.

So I am happy to report that my current sock obsession is cutting through the
fog a bit.

These are very happy socks-- in Opal patterned yarn to which I have matched a
solid color for the heel and toe. Just cause I like socks with heels and
toes like that!

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This is a picture of my August scrumble for that same group's monthly Freeform Exchange:

This is about the size of my palm, done in hand-dyed sock yarns from Claudia's Handpaint and Shibui and 2.5 to 3 mm hooks. Fun - really! And of course, inspired me to continue with more doodling in those finer yarns. Don't think I could plan to do a whole big project that way, but at some point perhaps there will be such an accretion of these scrumble doodles that a big piece will sort of naturally come together.

Always trying to trick my tendencies for instant gratification and short attention span....

Namaste,
Zann