Grieving, Grace, Gratitude

It's very dreary in Indiana today - gray skies stretching forever, drizzly rain, chill winds sweeping through. And that quite well describes my inner world as well. Right now.

This grief, this losing of my son's earthly presence, is a constantly shifting thing inside me. On the outside, my life is rather calm, placid. Little happens. But inside, oh, I'm full of collisions and bright lights and sobs, moments of brilliant clarity, moments of thick fog, dark despair. And I never know, almost from one minute to the next, what to expect. Turmoil can give way to a sense of peace. Peace can become turbulence. Acceptance mutates into utter anguish.

Though my husband and daughter and other sons are grieving as well, and we are all trying to be kind to each other and supportive, it is very much a solitary journey in the Shadow side for each of us.

I wrote to my sister yesterday:

".... I hardly know what to say, write, think anymore. I wish I was more able to communicate. I feel that I have moved into a very solitary world of which it is difficult to speak. That's the way with a grief this big - no one is on the same path through it. We are able to support each other, but we each must make our own separate way. And "through it" is the direction - you don't get over it, around it....you go through it.
I know that I am forever changed. Right now I haven't a clue as to where I'm going or who I am...I am only certain of this: I need to stay as calm and peaceful as possible, rest a lot, have faith, express love, let go of the past, focus on my relationship to Patrick's soul and spirit now, be in nature, evoke all the creative forces that I can. ..."

And so, I am trying to go through grief and loss with as much grace as I can muster. I am trying to find the most authentic, true things to guide me. I am trying to stay alive....and I don't mean just alive, I mean Alive.

Right now I want to thank so many people for sending me their heartfelt thoughts of support and sympathy. Many of you are people I've never met in person, people who know me only through the thoughts and art I've shared in my blogs. Many of you are dear old friends whose spirits never really lost touch with mine. I appreciate you all very much and feel blessed with your presence. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart!

I am grateful for the beautiful grieving/healing ceremony that was created by my friends Kathy, Brenda, Marie, Jennifer, Liz and Sharon for me and Patrick's roommates Tifani and Nikki. It was a powerful evening and I know that the energy of it is still working for healing in my spirit and soul.

And I want to thank my old friend Julie (old as high school!) for all the tea things she sent.


and I want to thank Tea for its comforting warmth and taste. Tea is a balm for my body and soul. Tea, soup, tapioca pudding and strawberries (thank you, Ellen, for the latter two!!!) were all the physical nourishment that sustained me during that first terrible week.

And Peacock, I hope you know how just how much your notes and gifts have meant to me, have become part of my life as I use them or see them. They always speak to me of your generous spirit, your empathy, the creative imperative....my forever gratitude for all of that!

I know that I will never be able to thank all of you as I'd like - I send my gratefulness out into the universe and hope that someday I can repay by being there for someone else in need.

There was supposed to be a bit more gratitude here, with pictures....but the way-too-moody Blogger will NOT let me upload any more pictures, so I am going to save those thank-yous for another day.

Namaste,
'zann