lighting candles, tifani's shawl

These are the candles I've been lighting for Patrick for well over a year, as he - as we - struggled with his difficult life. I lit them before dawn after the police left on the morning they came to notify us of his death. And I light them now to remember him, to focus my love for him, to make light in the terrible darkness of grief...a lot of reasons. My spirituality is a patchwork quilt. The image of Mary has always been my image for mothering. One of those candles is of a well-known print of an angel standing over a boy and girl on a bridge. That print hung in Patrick's and Molly's room when they were little....

Some time back, I stumbled across a site called Gratefulness.org - where you can light a virtual candle that will burn for 48 hours. I also signed up for their Word For The Day email. Sometimes the words are very powerful for me. I wanted to share today's here:

"Reality is permeated, indeed flooded, with divine creativity, nourishment, and care."

Marcus J. Borg Conflict, Holiness, and Politics

I urge you to check out the site, especially if you are like me and on a quest for a spirituality that will live in your bones, that says our daily lives are filled with the sacred. There are poems and thoughts and ideas on those pages which help me know that again and again. I love the little piece on creativity ...

Yesterday's post got comments from dear friends about being glad to see I am creating again - I confess that hat/vessel and pictures were made before Patrick's death. But I am creating other things...and it feels very right. For one thing, the acts of spinning, knitting and crocheting are rhythmical and often give rise to the same meditative state that focusing on the breath provides for me. During those moments, I am granted a precious gift: a deep peace and connection with the universe (and my lost son) that provides a counterpoint to the almost unendurable soul pain that overwhelms me at other times.

Yesterday I finished the little shawl I plan to give to Tifani, Patrick's roommate and best friend. I gave a felted mohairy hat to his other roommate, Nikki. Tifani has two children who Patrick felt like were a younger brother and sister. I daresay his death has been as hard on all of them as it has been for us - different, but as hard I think. For one thing, they became homeless as they couldn't bear to return to the house to live. And they did not have, as we did, the comfort of their own home as refuge and a parade of people with hugs and food. We have done the best we could to pass on comfort and nurturing, to let them know we understand that they were Patrick's chosen family and we know they had a special and important relationship with him. They have found a new place to live and I hope that will take some of the stress away, so they can heal.

As I made this shawl, I thought of Tifani and how much Patrick valued her listening ear and how she tried to look out for him, and how I'd like her to feel it around her like a hug from Patrick, a hug from me. Shawls look like wings...