Lizards in the Leaves

Rustlings in the green....imagination, art, whimsy

Mar 21, 2006

poem - if i had known

if i had known
that bright sunny Friday afternoon
standing in the street by your new car
hugging you
would be the last moment i would see you alive,

i would have framed it.
i would have folded it carefully
and put it in my pocket.
i would have rolled it up
and tied it with red ribbon.
i would have stapled it
to my heart.
i would have wrapped it
like a baby
and put it in a cradle
and sung it a lullaby
i would have sewn it
into a quilt
and slept under it every night.
i would have bronzed it.
i would have glued it
to a window in my soul.
i would have dried it
like an apple slice and eaten it.
i would have salted it.
i would have gilded it
and worn it around my neck.
i would have decorated it
like a christmas tree.
i would have lit it
like a candle and prayed and prayed.

i would have never
let you go


At 3/21/06, 10:01 AM, Blogger Margot said...


At 3/21/06, 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Such wisdom to come from such sorrow. May love surround you and keep you safe.

At 3/21/06, 1:54 PM, Blogger Phoebe Fay said...

That is incredibly beautiful 'Zann. So much love, so much loss. Know you are surrounded by love.

At 3/21/06, 2:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


We are all still feeling numb from the news back here in NC. A candle stays continually lit with love in our home as we all think of Patrick and share in your family's deepest sorrow.

What a lovely, touching, heartfelt poem you managed to weave out of your awful, gut wrenching pain. As always, you continue to bring some sort of artistic beauty to the raw materials that you find about you here in this world, 'Zann. Even now, you have created and shared a thing of beauty from your own raw, ugly, horrendous, unbearable pain.


I cried my way through each beautiful line as I read your poem aloud to Channing -- and again -- we hugged and wept our pain together.

We are all so very, very grateful that we had the chance to see and be with everyone, and now especially, with Patrick. I forced hugs on him at least twice while we were there and I'm so glad I did. At my last hug of him before you two left, there he stood in that dapper looking coat -- with his (naturally!)red, wild, ridiculous, wind inspired (?) hair-do -- smiling and happy about what was at that moment! Channing snapped the most wonderful picture of him which we will send on to you soon.

Was that really only days ago when we all took Mom to lunch? (complete with fire drill to make it even more memorable!!!) We are also glad that we got the whole gang together and traveled to Terre Haute for our long overdue family reunion -- exactly when we did. What a blessing of Divine Order that turned out to be in light of what is now...

:( Will any of this ever make any sense??? (sigh...)

Michael downloaded some of Patrick's music last night and we had the chance to hear that he was indeed a gifted and talented metal artist. The musicians in his band were in a creating zone together and felt it for sure. (and you know that I know something about that!) I hate that I am only just now learning more about the interesting and unique young man that your Patrick became.

I wish that so many miles hadn't come between us and our families and that we hadn't let so many years pass before we got around to doing that. If any of us had known...

Please know that our hearts will be with you and all who are there tomorrow at the memorial service. We will be sharing our own bittersweet memories of Patrick and shall be thinking prayers out to him from here at the same time.

Much, much love & many, many hugs to you and yours,

Georgie et al

At 3/21/06, 5:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a sensitive, beautiful reminder that life is temporary. Thank you for sharing out of your pain.

Those we hold dear will always be held dear, rather in physical presence or in memories. May the memories you have sustain you during this time.

At 3/22/06, 12:08 PM, Blogger Jo said...

That is beautiful and I am so very sorry for your loss. Words just can't even express.

At 4/8/07, 3:03 PM, Blogger twobadmice said...

This is an amazing poem. I know it was born out of great unspeakable (unwriteable) pain yet you did it, you wrote it, and I love it. As a mother and a poet, I want to hold you up and tell you this is great work, this is poetry. I feel fuller, and better after reading this. In honor of Spring, and Easter, and rebirth, I hope you don't mind me dredging up this post but I am so moved by your loss, so struck by this poem. I lit a candle for your boy.


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