Lizards in the Leaves

Rustlings in the green....imagination, art, whimsy

Jul 10, 2006

a post for those who are concerned

("Silence", a painting by Sulamith Wulfing)

It definitely has been a bit too long between updates here. I appreciate so much the thoughts and concerns that people have for me, many of whom I've never even met in person. So to all who have asked, what I can say is that I am doing "okay." Surviving. Hanging in there. But it isn't easy. It isn't easy to live and move through what is a pervasive fog of sadness.

I have the added challenge and heartache of my mother's situation. Those of you who have been reading my blog for months know that she suffers from a particularly aggressive dementia called Lewy Body Dementia (LBD). One of the defining characteristics of LBD is hallucinations and delusions. Mom's are of a horrific nature that leaves her terrified and afraid to sleep, so she doesn't- and sleep deprivation worsens the delusions - a vicious cycle. And she doesn't trust me much anymore because I haven't been able to change her situation. So my close relationship with my mother is.....gone.

Loss upon loss for me, but her losses are unfathomable. In the next few days she will be moving once again within the continuing care community in which she lives. She will have to move back into the nursing home part and her world will be further reduced - to a small room shared with someone who is far more physically debilitated than she.

When they called Friday and told me they would be moving her today, I felt blindsided. I knew the move was coming, but the notice of it seemed awfully short. I will have to take care of her assisted living apartment, the possessions that she will not be able to take with her. I got off the phone and felt all sorts of fragile supports in my being begin to sway and collapse. My hands were shaking.

And that fog surrounds me. I have started to do odd, distracted things. Saturday Paul discovered I'd put the yogurt in the cereal cabinet instead of the refrigerator that morning. I looked for my purse for many minutes, not realizing I'd hung it on a chair practically under my nose. He advises me to be extra careful when driving, to be sure to focus on what I'm doing.

There are some lovely things in the world and finding them helps me to be "okay": fireflies at dusk, watching bats swoop and flutter, meditation, the Heart Mantra, the Messenger robins (another tale), the Mother's Wisdom cards
(pictures by the incomparable Sulamith Wulfing, amazing words by Lunaea Weatherstone.)

And of course, Fiber.
Recently I received an amazing gift from Linda in Washington. I hope to get the energy to take some pictures to share her art and generosity with you.
Pictures are the sunshine of a blog -- and an entry without is like a day without. I think that's why I've had a hard time making an entry here, because I didn't have the oomph to take pictures, edit them, etc.
This morning, when I was thinking I just need to make an entry, pics or no, I discovered I did have some pictures I hadn't posted. So, here's a little sunshine:

On the swift - a difficult-to-wind, but lovely skein of Makalu lace silk eyelash. If you just want to ogle pretty hand-painted yarns, take a look around the Makalu wholesale site.

Now I will tantalize you with some freeform bits and make you wait to see the finished piece that emerged from them:
I have too many unfinished projects - and the guilt that accompanies UFOs. I need to let that go. I just don't need to feel one more negative emotion. Right now, I am more than ever process-oriented. I need to just move with that impulse and not worry about: the modular vest, the Baby Surprise, the woven-triangle vest, the shawl, the shawl...

I am currently just freeforming, trying out stitches and yarn combinations. If a finished product emerges, great! If not, that's okay, too. The work, the activity, the yarn in my hands are what is keeping me going....

4 Comments:

At 7/10/06, 8:44 PM, Anonymous Margot said...

I feel such sorrow for you that as the last moments of your time with mother unwind, you are lost to one another.

I am glad that you have so many rich memories of your times together.

 
At 7/16/06, 10:22 AM, Blogger jackie said...

your mothers love will always reside within your heart. Hang in there.

Blessings

 
At 8/7/06, 9:47 PM, Blogger Novabella said...

As I go through the journey of accepting my father's dementia (lewy body also) and helping my parents as best I can, I am constantly amazed at how little attention is paid to sorrow. I have read tons about caregiver burnout, caregiver guilt, caregiver stress. But the biggest challenge I have faced so far is the waves of sadness that accompany each change, each loss, each slip of dignity. Bless you on your journey.

 
At 8/8/06, 12:23 PM, Blogger 'Zann said...

Thank you, all of you!
Novabella - if you read this, there is a wonderful book on dealing with loss that is listed on my sidebar. Our lives are filled with change and loss (great and small) and this book has been a great practical help for me as I deal with both my son's death and my mother's illness. It's by Deborah Morris Coryell and called "Healing Through the Shadow of Loss."
blessings to all,
'zann

 

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