Difficult Days

Just thought I'd check in here.
It's been 10 days since I last posted. I am feeling overwhelmed right now, and overwhelmed becomes inertia. I am overwhelmed by my grief, by missing Patrick and by missing who I used to be. I feel like I am trying valiantly to come through this, and these sorts of days just must be experienced. I need to stay present and feel...just what I feel.

I could write a million things, but I am just going to write the thought that led me to sit at the computer just now. Although Patrick moved out in July of last year, 9 months before his death, I am acutely aware of how he used to inhabit this house, the space. On days like these, I cannot do anything without those thoughts coming into my head.

I stand over the washing machine, pulling out my laundry to put in the dryer and I think of the hundreds of times he did the same over the years. I turn on the light in his room and imagine his hand on that switch hundreds of times. I stand at the kitchen sink, open the refrigerator, sit on the far end of the sofa scratching Clover's ears....and visions of my son in the same space doing the same things, dance in my head.

And here is what goes through my head when that happens...that the space still holds energy from Patrick's being, that if I hold my hand over that switch, or stand over the washing machine or scratch Clover's ears in just the right way....I can somehow...match my energy to the residue of his and...feel him.

And I think about space and time and quantum physics and what we know and what we don't know. And all that I know is that I know very little and miss my son very much.

I am trying today to get myself moving, to not let the day leak away like so many do. I have done quite a bit of small freeform crochet pieces in the last few days, gotten 2/3 of the way through my RoundTrip Jacket. Hopefully, next post will have pictures!
Keeping on,
'Zann