Stalled

I'm in a weird, uncomfortable space right now.

It has something to do with the bookstore closing two and a half months ago, my tiny little income evaporating, my letting go of the 40 boxes of books I had on the shelves there.

Something to do with my grief over my son, Patrick.

I think.

I don't really know.

What I do know is that I have an extraordinary (long dreamed-of) amount of free time. Lovely blank whiteness on my calendar.  And I'm not using it like I thought I would.  Like I think I should.

I'm not doing much writing or knitting or spinning or felting or weaving. Worse than not doing is not feeling the desire to do. My creative mojo....gone. Or at least in some kind of stasis.

I keep breathing. Trying to remain calm about this, awaiting its return. Meanwhile, I'm concentrating on moving, trying to lose the 20 pounds I gained back, or at least to have a daily exercise practice for fitness in my fatness.  As soon as I hit 'publish,' I'll be hitting the mall where I've walked 2+ miles a day for nearly two weeks now.

I'm growing things - I've never really had an aptitude for gardening, nor much of a desire. But this year I started a few seedlings with my granddaughter Sophia and they were a gateway to more.

I'm creating a Meditation Station (Sophia's name for it) in a little corner of the yard. Sometimes I just sit there...not thinking of much at all, just being. Waiting.  Waiting patiently in the sun and wind under the blue skies of the last couple of weeks.
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On moving. Explore the work of Anna Halprin. I'd read about her when I was trying to incorporate some expressive movement into the Loss/Arts workshop a few years ago. I had little idea what an amazing person she is. At 91, she is still teaching. Still moving.

The movie about her life and work, "Breath Made Visible", is available on Netflix. Here's a trailer: